the world has turned and left me here

choosing the right color

In the first experiment the subject was placed in an orange room 7 feet on a side and left to record the effects of the color orange on his psyche. There were no doors or windows in the room save one small mail slot through which the experimenters would push tabloids and tv guides, 48 times a day, once every half hour. Although the subject was expected to last at least three days, he was removed after two due to evidence of profound psychological distress. He has since reported torrential vomiting in supermarket checkout aisles. The researchers concluded that "orange should be used only in small quantities. It expresses energy, spirit, hope, courage, and cordiality."

The second subject was placed in a yellow room of similar dimensions. He was given a tape recorder and a watch and asked to describe his emotional state at 15 minute intervals. A man-sized tarantuala with a plastic Dr. Phil head attached to its abdomen was also placed in the room. Although the subject lost twenty pounds in ten days, he gained it all back, and the tape was found to consist mostly of hoarse screaming which grew weaker until it was barely at the level of a whisper. "Small objects of yellow in a living room supply permanent sunshine in it," wrote the researchers.

The third subject occupied a green room for the span of a week. Learning from earlier mistakes, the researchers furnished the room with all manner of material comforts, including a recliner chair and a washer and dryer set. The subject was fed regularly and could make phone calls free of charge to anywhere in the U.S. Once a day a Nascar fan entered the room and beat the subject senseless with a red white and blue billy club. In follow-up interviews, the subject reported no serious long-term ill effects, insisting that he was "proud to be an American" and spontaneously wetting himself when shown a picture of the American flag. The researchers were quick to note that "if greens are used in the country they should harmonize with the foliage, but green is less necessary for decoration in the country than in town. Green can be used also on the exteriors of houses."