Mark's bachelor party was last night. Since I was the best man I was in charge of the evening's shenanigans, some of which went off better than others.
The first thing we did was paint Mark's hair blue and put him in the day-glo orange and yellow jumpsuit. Then we walked over to Ryan's place, where we took a two-handled axe to a computer monitor. Geez you should have seen the geeks go at it! Way more pent up rage than I had imagined. In the spirit of Office Space, Mark started jumping up and down on the thing once it was totally gutted. I had this bad premonition something was going to happen right before it did, when he slipped on the glass and fell. Needless to say things went from 0 to serious in like 2 seconds when we saw that his hand was cut open. He ended up at the ER and got 4 stitches. (Sidenote: last time Mark did something wild, it was waterskiing our freshman year, and he met a similar fate at the hands of one of the water skis. The dude's being conditioned against wild behavior even though in reality he's the last guy who needs to be.)
Well that put a damper on things for a while, but luckily it happened early on in the evening (about half an hour into the bachelor party!). When Mark finally got back from the ER we headed over to a hotel where I'd rented the Medieval theme room for the night. It came complete with whirlpool and corny spray-painted medieval scenery, and we busted out the keg, which we soon discovered we couldn't tap correctly. Of course we all felt like idiots. Mark's older brother called and woke up a friend to ask him how to tap a pony keg but we still couldn't figure it out. In the end we came to the conclusion that the tap was a bad one, and sure enough it turned out to be. We made a mad dash for a replacement tap and finally had the Fat Tire flowing at 1 am.
At this point in my story I reach certain seedy unmentionables. If you think about it for half a second you'll realize the nature of these seedy unmentionables, so I do not really need to talk about them.
Anyway I have no idea what time it was that we finally crashed. In the end only three of us spent the night in the room. Luckily for my pocketbook, Matt woke me up at 10:30--half an hour before we had to vacate the place. It was a medium-grade mess. We dumped the keg bucket with a lot of wasted beer into the whirlpool. Drew had thrown the freakin phone book into the whirlpool at some point during the night, and when we peeled it off the nightstand most of it stuck, so we had to clean that up. And we had to steal the remaining tassels off the curtains to make things look symmetric in the hopes that they would not notice and charge me. Some of the people took a liking to the tassels during the night and wouldn't persuaded to leave them be.
So that brings us up to the present, which is a lazy sunny Saturday afternoon with absolutely nothing going on. There is going to be another raging party tonight which Drew is going to bartend for. After that I'm gonna need a break from all this dissipation like Kerouac does at the end of The Dharma Bums.
Posted by Alan at May 3, 2003 10:32 PM